Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
