K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
