What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
