So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
