don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
