i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
