He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
