What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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