I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
