Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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