so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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