Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
