Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
