I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
