Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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