I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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