I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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