Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
