This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
