I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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