Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
