Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
