He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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