Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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