i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
