So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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