these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
