those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
