Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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