Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
