I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
