Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
