A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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