Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
