My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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