I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
