the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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