insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
