Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
