They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
