Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
