I accidentally had phone sex last night
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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