I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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