I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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