it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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