I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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