did you get engaged???
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
