if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
