ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
false alarm, still single
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
