I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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