dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
