if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
