Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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