I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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