She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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