I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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