I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
