How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Screwed.edu
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
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