It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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