hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Randomize
