I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
